- Listen to new track by Uncoffined ‘Awakened From Their Dormant Slumber’
- Watch new video by Rich Davis ’13’
- Terrorizer 275 – Darkthrone
- Listen to new track from Admiral Sir Cloudesley Shovell ‘U Got Wot I Need’
- Watch new video by Einherjer ‘Dragons of the North’
- Exclusive premier of Sons of Balaur’s new album ‘Tenebris Deos’
- Roadburn 2017: Baroness’s John Baizley curates with Coven and a comeback!
- Watch Stonehead video ‘Heaven Ain’t A Good Place To Be’
- pg.lost Released Live Studio Video Performance of ‘Ikaros’ & ‘Off The Beaten Path’
- Watch new video by Castle ‘Down in the Cauldron Bog’
Top 20: Worst overlong ridiculous band names
With the arrival into our lives of the brilliant Seagulls Insane And Swans Deceased Mining Out The Void (yes, that really is their name) on Witching Hour Productions, we started talking: what are the worst overlong band names ever?
This was originally intended to be a top 5. Then it became a top 10, then a top 15. We finally forced a cut-off point of 20, and concluded that all the good band names have now been taken.
THE RULES: It’s not enough just to be long, the names have to suck as well. Wolves In The Throne Room and …And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead were both excluded on the basis that those names are actually quite cool, and conjure up some great imagery. Similarly, quality of band is excluded. If WITTR sucked (Sathanas forbid) they would still be out, and inclusion on this list is no reflection on musical quality. If any of these bands swapped back catalogues with Iron Maiden, they’d still be here. Finally, bonus points were awarded for names that weren’t just rubbish but stupid as well, with maximum points reserved for those that aren’t just shit and dumb, but meaningless as well.
THE TOP 20 WORST OVERLONG RIDICULOUS BAND NAMES ARE:
20. Monkeys Are Machine Guns
The sideproject (another one) from Anaal Nathrakh’s Mick Kenney and two of Combichrist are brilliant, and have some superb song titles (‘I’m Not Racist, I Just Hate A Lot’ is an office favourite), but the name blows. It was kept in the lower reaches of this list only by the amusing mental image of monkey shit being fired off at 100 rounds per minute.
19. The Tony Danza Tap Dance Extravaganza
If Tony Danza could tap dance to this, the footage would be the most watched thing on YouTube. Making crushingly brilliant and totally deranged metal does not expunge the truly rubbish name though.
18. An Autumn For Crippled Children
This scored highly on the meaningless front. What exactly does this mean, and is there a way we can discuss this without sounding like Frankie Boyle? Probably not.
17. Clinging To The Trees Of A Forest Fire
We really didn’t want to include these fine crushing fellows, especially after their great split with Nesseria earlier this year, but for all the musical brilliance, the name is daft. If the forest is on fire, how do you cling on to the trees? Why would you want to?
16. And So I Watch You From A Far
This isn’t necessarily a bad name, but it’s very creepy and unnecessarily long. “Stalker” would have had the same implications and taken half the time to say.
15. Success Will Write Apocalypse Across The Sky
We know everyone loves some grindy death metal, and we know this is a William S. Burroughs reference, but it’s simply excessive, and out of context means fuck all. Also, SWWAATS is an unintentionally silly acronym.
14. From A Second Story Window
Without even entering into debates about whether or not there should be an “e” in “Story”, this means nothing. What is from a second storey window? Are you falling? Because that’s not all that high up. Is it a view? Because you’re still not that high up. This is a classic case of “try to sound clever, end up saying nothing”.
13. Acid Mothers Temple & The Melting Paraiso U.F.O.
The Japanese experimentalists managed to come up with a name that takes longer to say than the running time of ‘Reign In Blood’. If they’d stuck with Acid Mothers Temple, they might have got away with it, but extending it was not the way to go.
12. The Number Twelve Looks Like You
This might be the name of a Twilight Zone episode, but it also sounds like a bingo call gone wrong. They do get kudos for a pretty cool blog explaining why they split up though.
11. The Sun Came Up On The Left
These American underground black metallers might be rather good, but the name is totally without meaning. Also, what black metaller allows themselves to be hit by the sunlight? Surely you should be in a cave somewhere cultivating a lifeless, pale complexion.
10. Arsonists Get All The Girls
No they don’t. Just no. We’re not going to have an Alan Partridge moment, but they don’t. Sorry.
AKAwe’vehadfartoomuchcoffeeandourspacebarisbroken. Wrestlingbearsmaybeseriouslyfuckingmetal, butthename’sstilldaft.
8. Flagitious Idiosyncrasy In The Dilapidation
Even once you look up what “flagitious” means (and we know you did), this still means absolutely nothing beyond “Look mum! I’ve got a thesaurus!”.
7. Vincent Price’s Orphan Powered Death Machine
We came across these guys after undertaking extensive research, and discovered they were a local hardcore band somewhere in Pennsylvania before going their separate ways. The name was so heroically rubbish we felt compelled to include them.
6. Mincing Fury And Guttural Clamour Of Queer Decay
Admittedly, the idea of mincing fury does make us smile (and would probably make a good name for a power metal parody band) but these Czech grinders have us scratching our heads trying to work out what the hell it means.
5. We Butter The Bread With Butter
Out of all the ideas for band names that are going to make someone interested, at which particular point did they think “I know! Buttering bread’s really cool, so let’s incorporate that into our name”. That’s a fairly lame idea. Making it long and lame is worse. The name is, terrifyingly, better than their music though…
4. Paladins of the Golden Power Fights With the Great Sword Of Eternal Magic And The Great Kings Will
This band would have won hands down, had they not been a parody power metal act. It is quite effective at taking the piss out of the sword-waving elf-obsessives, but takes it just a little too far. And then keeps going. And going. And in a world where there’s already Fairlyand (ace band, daft name), isn’t the funniest available.
3. Kiss The Anus Of A Black Cat
Because obviously that’s a mental we all wanted. A cat’s balloon knot belongs nowhere near the human mouth. Under any circumstances. Even in a band name.
Erm… I… we… but… no.
These Mexican goregrinders win by an absolute lightyear, mangling the entire medical dictionary into one word so long you could listen to the entire Kreator discography before you’d got half way through. This is truly, spectacularly, and unnecessarily long.