Blog: The Big Merch Hunt

By on 18 November 2011

In light of Terrorizer finding out the mighty Mastodon were going to release tusk steins in support of their latest master stroke ‘The Hunter’, it got us thinking; What other crazy promotional items have bands peddled?

KISS Kaskets
Yup, amongst all of the other crap KISS sold to their legions – the credit cards, the toys, the bedspreads etc – they even produced something you could be buried in. Quite suitably, Dimebag Darrell was reportedly buried in one in tribute to his favourite band. And amusingly enough they were also marketed as a giant cooler for your beers.
RRP: $3,299

Motorhead wine
Lemmy has always been known to like a drink, and revealing his more classy side, the rock godfather recently unveiled Motorhead shiraz. We don’t know about you guys but we fancy a little tipple of ‘raz on deadline day when we stick on ‘Overkill’ to celebrate still being alive.
RRP: £87 for a case of 6 bottles

Iced Earth letter opener
Our Editor Louise couldn’t believe it either when this bad boy arrived in the mail. Unfortunately, it appears they’re not available. But feel assured all those lovely letters you send in to us are opened with our very own Iced fuckin’ Earth envelope opener.
RRP: Priceless

Morbid Angel ‘Illud…’ boxset
We didn’t want to include special edition album packages, but the sheer ridiculousness of this one was too good to leave out. Made out of plush wood and coming with incense burners, candles, candle holders and a little drawer for your satanic scripture, whatever you think of the album, this is truly special – even if it is a bit silly.
RRP: £86 reduced from £111 (bargain)

Bring Me The Horizon BBQ sauce
A stunningly great idea if you’re not a straight edge vegan. Now you can use Bring Me The Horizon BBQ sauce to drizzle, marinate or just use as a dip. Your culinary life just got HEAVY!
RRP: $15 Per 12oz bottle

Sólstafir volcanic ash
In promotion of their recent masterpiece ‘Svartir Sandar’ we received a little pouch of ash. We debated for all of about 12 minutes whether it was just fag ash, but we thought it was a cool idea and, better yet, no aeroplanes were forced to land around Tez HQ, thank Sathanas!
RRP: Priceless

The Haunted Bullet
Another promotional item for our list, a silver bullet was menacingly sent to magazine offices around the world to accompany the ‘Made Me Do It’ album. Bands take note, if you want a good review , send in a bullet. The Haunted needn’t have bothered – ‘Made Me Do It’ was killer, almost literally.
RRP: Priceless

Rammstein dildo boxset
Trust Rammstein to come up with the best Valentine’s Day present idea, eh? In support of their latest album ‘Liebe Ist Fur Alle Da’, the German industrial kaisers released a mammoth boxset that came equipped with six dildos supposedly moulded from each member’s schlongs, a pair of handcuffs and lubrication. Not bad for a quiet Saturday night.

Evile Serpent’s Venom energy drinl
To keep us working as fast as their riffs, Evile sent out some thrashing energy drinks. It gave us aching necks from all the headbanging when we were only expecting wings.
RRP: Priceless

Negura Bunget earth box
Now this is a remarkable trinket for any fan of earthy black metal. This extremely limited edition (apparently our scribe Lee MacBride is the one of the only guys to own one) is entirely handmade with logos and track listing delicately burnt into the wood and bound with rope and leather, and to top it off, it also comes with genuine Transylvanian soil inside. Now THAT’s black metal!
RRP: Unavailable

Things we hope we never see… ever!

A ‘Lulu’ coffee table (you can also add another Metallica collaboration with Lou Reed to that.)
Mayhem bacon rashers
Wolves In The Throne Room watering cans
Machine Head boxes of living locusts (euuurrrgh!)
Watain gig-fresh deodorant

About Miranda Yardley

I'm Miranda. Bite me.

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