GOTH TO BE LATEST VICTIM OF GOVERNMENT CUTS

In a shock announcement yesterday, deputy prime Minister, Nick “not Cleggy from Last Of The Summer Wine” Clegg announced cuts to several UK subcultures. Goth is to be banned completely under the proposed legislation.

Government spokesperson, Under Secretary for The Department of Youth Subcultures, The right honourable Lord Horace Torik-Hunt told us “Look old chap, there really is no point whinging to me, even you pasty faced blighters can’t decide what Goth is. To all intents and purposes Goth never existed in the first place, and has continued to be non-existent for thirty bally years, with constant bailing out from previous governments. It quite simply isn’t economical to keep the whole bally shooting match going any longer. The youngsters these days don’t want to be blooming well dressed in black, going around being miserable. They want to get down to the local hop to jive to some of that jolly old American hippety hoppety music”

Hunted down

Under the proposals all forms of music that comes under the term “Goth” is to be outlawed. Lord Torik-Hunt said “And don’t think those bally deathrockers will be safe. If I have to, I’ll put them to the hounds myself. And those dashed East London Dark-Indie chappies will be hunted down and shot like wild boar. Bad enough dressing in black suits, having Beatle haircuts and looking like nanny took their bitty away, but there can be no excuse for those blooming pointy boots.”

Lord Torik-Hunt also told us that Cyber-goths would be dealt with particularly severely with rewards to be given out to anyone bringing a decapitated head, complete with woolly dreadlocks, to local police stations.

Apathy

Already plans to oppose the proposed anti-goth bill are taking shape. World Goth Day organiser, DJ Cruel Britannia is organising a national day of extreme apathy. DJ Cruelbrit explained “They’ll be expecting riots and civil unrest, but surprising the powers that be by doing absolutely nothing what-so-ever will soon bring the Government to their knees and have them to the negotiating table”. The planned NATIONAL DAY OF GOTHIC APATHY will be held whenever someone decides to be bothered, which seems somewhat of an oxymoron being as if someone breaks from the apathy to be bothered then it stops being apathetic. Or something.

Nair hair remover

Self proclaimed Che Guevara of goth, MAISEY, has already shaved of his pubic hair in protest which had only just began to grow back since he shaved it off in protest at the rises in student fees. He told us “Rise up Goths of the world! Join me by depilating your naughty bits and showing the government we mean business. Your pubes are sign of repression, get truly naked now! Especially you girlies, who need to all show them to me to prove your commitment to the cause!”

At this point our reporter made his excuses and left as Che Maisey had become somewhat charged and excitable and had removed his clothes, exposing what can only be described as resembling the last turkey in Sainsbury’s on Christmas Eve. The one everyone has picked up, squeezed, carried round in the trolley for an hour, decided it isn’t worth the money and returned to the bread counter because they couldn’t be arsed to take back to the poultry section.

Trousers

We asked several stars from the goth music scene their opinions but they were all out apart from Stephen Weebles-wobble, Floral decorator and hat roady to top gothic rockers RHOMBUS. Mr Weebles-wobble told us “Troosers.”

Top UK goth promoter Frank Flag was in total agreement with Weebles-Wobble. “If Troosers is what Steve says then Troosers it is for me”.

Token Cyber goth Pointless Dave was less worried “like who cares man” he said “I’ll just get myself some G-star troosers, a Henleys sweatshirt and start going to Grime nights instead. It’s all the same when when your off your tits on E anyway. By the way you ain’t got any E or Charlie to spare have you?”

Unfortunately we had no E or Charlie, so Pointless Dave offered us a “Tug on his bong”. Again we made our excuses and left. Sharpish! With our backs to the wall I can tell you!

Cheese

Prime minister David Camaroon exclusively told us “Look chaps, we didn’t have goths at Eton so I can’t really help otherwise I’ll be debagged by the rugger chaps, but if you're interested I’ve got Cleggy lined up to nosh the whole parliamentry front bench later, and I can get you in on it. Silly bugger’ll do anything I ask. And that’s not the old chappy from Last Of The Summer Wine either. You know, The one that does Wallace’s voice, or is it Gromit? Buggering hell I can never remember which is which. I’m the same with Ant and Dec as well. I know one of them looks like Cleggy but I’ll be dashed if I know which it is. Still he sure has a pretty mouth, young Cleggy I mean, although the one from Ant and Dec that looks a bit like Cleggy has a far from unwelcoming pie-hole as well.”

And finally

So that’s it , boys and girls, goth is to be banned and there is nothing anyone can do about it, but let’s look on the bright side………………………..Oh shit we’re all goths , so looking on the bright side would not be goth. Just what “the man” wants……..or something.