Wayne Hussey To Split.

Former The Mission mainman Wayne Hussey announced yesterday that he is to split up. Hussey has decided to call it a day as a complete human being, due to "musical incompatibility" between his left and right hands.

The former Dead Or Alive, The Sisters Of Mercy, The Mission and solo performer said " I had planned on letting my left hand go and replacing it with a bionic hand but decided that lefty played such an important role in the classic Wayne Hussey sound that it would be impossible to carry on".

The split will be after the planned The Mission re-union gigs next year and subsequent tour during which, inevitably, Craig Adams will leave and "The Huss" and Simon Hinkler will have a big fight and announce another The Mission farewell tour probably called something like "We Really Mean It This Time So Don't Try To Stop Us Tour". Sisters of Mercy mainman Andrew "Yvonne" Eldritch said "I'm not surprised, his right hand never did know what his left was doing. But if either of his hands think they're getting back with me they can blimmin well think again."

Goth DJs To Strike Over "Unimaginative Requests" Shock.

The leader of Europe's largest trade union for goth DJs, The Federation Of Goth, Dark Alternative and Associated Miserablist DJ's (FOGDAAMED) has called for all out industrial action over the weekend of Halloween. Traditionally the biggest weekend of the goth Calender. FOGDAMMED secretary in chief, DJ Vlad The Impala, is calling for an all out strike to show support for Welsh DJ Darky Blackness who attempted suicide last week following a world record 74 requests in two hours for Nine Inch Nails "Closer" at his regular Cardiff goth night. "There's miserable for you boyo". "Our DJs cannot be subjected to this type of unimaginative requesting by the general public."  

Said DJ Vlad, of Weston-Super-Mare, "It's enough to make you reach for the razor blades when people ask for the same tune by the same artist over and over again week in week out. If only they could think of at least one more tune by the bands that would at least be something." Last year a Berkhamsted DJ killed himself by hanging himself with a bungee chord and smashing his brains to a pulp after being requested to play The Sisters of Mercy's "Dominion(Mother Russia)" twenty times every time he DJ'd.

Top Midlands DJ Lucius-Da-Kid blames his recent ankle injury on tripping over whilst escaping the room after cuing up and pressing the play button with heavily requested Rammstein track "Sonne". Lucius told us "I just couldn't face hearing that bloody chorus that sounds like "I'm a monkey's uncle" one more time after playing the bloody track twice a night for the past three years. In my rush to escape I fell and tripped over the blonde bimbo that was giving me oral pleasure. My ankle swelled as big as an elephant's trunk and I was unable to face DJing for three whole weeks. As a result of this loss of income I was unable to keep up my subscription to hard core pornographic websites and am now so desperate that I am now visually stimulating myself over the underwear sections of mail order catalogues."

Legendary DJ Martin Oldgoth said "If you think that's goth then you are wrong", and refused point blank to tell us what goth is. In an exclusive interview, Colin Gorblimeytrousers, chairman of the British Licensed Victuallers Association, that employs 99% of goth DJs in their pubs and clubs, told us "Fack me you cant, facking gorf DJs? Don't make me larf me old cock sparra, you could train facking monkeys to do a better job, Give me a proper geezer wiv a couple of decks and nice line of cheeky patter any day to those miserable gorf barstards. Last year FOGDAMMED called on it's members to go on a "Go-Slow" following rumours that dance DJs were infiltrating the goth DJ scene. The "Go-slow" lasted six weeks but no-one noticed any difference so the action was called off.

Rhombus Star In Addiction Shock

Edward Grassby, Bass spanker and singer from popular northern goff combo Rhombus has recently been released from an addiction clinic in Harrogate following years of dependence to fruit, an unnamed source told us yesterday. The insider known only to us as "Rob" told us "Yes it's true, Eddie is a hopeless addict and needs at least four pounds of golden delicious and a stone of clemantines just to get through a gig. On tour it was becoming ridiculous" "Rob" also said that on one occasion the Rhombus manager had to bail Grassby out of jail after he was found unconscious after he broke into a greengrocers and overdosed on grapes.

Rumour has it that Grassby's recent bout of appendicitis was in fact a smokescreen to cover up for his spell in a rehab clinic. Stephen "Not Dave Grohl" Carey from the Eden House told us " I'm really not Dave Grohl, but I did wonder about Eddie baby when I was producing the Rhombus album. I woke up to find the studio full of apple cores and orange peel every morning. I'm a clean living Irish boy and will only have potatoes and whiskey in the studio. Did I mention that I'm not Dave Grohl by the way?"

Grammy award nominee, famous Pink Floyd engineer and masterer of Rhombus' million selling album "Open Your Bowels", Andy Jackson, told us "of course I knew. I used to be a fruit head myself and I know just the agonies Ed is suffering." Andy then went on about shagging Courtney Love, again, but we don't believe him.

Fruit addiction is rapidly becoming the UKs biggest drug epidemic with up to 30 million people in the UK estimated to be using fruit recreationally every week. The government have recently set up a special department headed by "Fruit czar" Leon Brittain. We tried to contact Grassby at his luxury Huddersfield mansion, but he was only willing to say "Oh for fuck sake not you again, now piss off will you, Jeremy Kyle is on in a minute"