A CYNICS GUIDE TO GOTH MUSIC. PART ONE

“What is goth?”. The eternal question.

Asked for decades by black clad wierdos the world over, the sheer inflammatory nature of the question marks the beginning of pages and pages of tedious rubbish on goth forums worldwide.

The true answer to the question will never truly be known due to the shocking fact that Goth does not, and never has existed. Ask any black clad, panda eyed person in the street whether they are a goth and almost certainly the answer will be a resounding “no”. Almost all will insist that they’re an “Individual”.

When it comes to goth music seemingly everyone is only too willing to make it clear, in the strongest possible terms that their sub-genre of miserable music is the one true goth and everything else is utter rubbish. Surprisingly goth musicians care not a jot whether their music is goth or not. Most are too drunk or whizzed off their tits to even notice they are still breathing, let alone whether their music is considered goth or not by some keyboard warrior in Sheffield.

I digress. In an attempt to enlighten the un-enlightenable here is the Cynics Guide To Goth Music.

Goth music can broadly be put into three main categories;

A) BORING OLD CR*P

Born in the early eighties by miserable blokes (and occasional women) who dressed predominantly in black and played mainly guitars and drums.

B) BLEEPY B*LLOCKS

Started off in the eighties by miserable blokes (and occasional women) who dressed predominantly in black and played mainly keyboards. Somehow loosing it’s way in the late nineties and becoming rave music played on computers programmed by people in gaily coloured clothing.

C) HEAVY METAL SH*TE

Originally a nineties off shoot of B) but confusingly began using guitars to boost up the somewhat bland sounding keyboard sounds. Some Americans got hold of the wrong end of the stick completely and started turning out basic heavy metal whilst wearing black clothing.

Confusingly each of these categories contains sub categories; in some cases some of these sub categories contain sub sub categories. Ad infinitum. Small wonder then that most people remain confused as to what Goth music actually should sound like. Below is a brief and, rather cynical, attempt to explain some of the categories and how the bands fit into them.

We’ll begin with…

A) BORING OLD CR*P

1.Never was, never will be, and if you say they were, they will punch you in the face and/or sulk, Goth;

The Sisters of Mercy. Most real goth bands deny it at one time or another but these are the most adamant they were never goth. Unfortunately this makes them the most gothiest of goth because all true Goths have to deny being one. Only pretend Goths admit to being a goth. Confused? So am I.

2.OK , so maybe we were a bit Goth once but we’re not anymore, Oh dear me no, it was the fans that were, but we weren’t, Goth;

Siouxsie and the Banshees, The Cure, The Mission, The Cult. Again as section 1. but not quite as determined.

3.Country and Western Goth;

Fields of the Nephilim, The Cult (they played the Indians during their Southern Death Cult period). The reasons as to why goth bands began dressing as cowboys or native Americans is unsure. But cowboys in Stevenage and Indians in Bradford are a rare and precious sight.

4.Don’t call me a goth ya pommie bastard, goth;

Nick Cave, The Birthday party. Goths colonial cousins from down under.

5.Batcave goth;

Alien Sex Fiend , Specimen, Sex Gang Children. Pick any band you like really, they’ll all claim to have started there.

6.Deathrock goth;

Any band that sound a bit like The Cramps or Christian Death.

7. Indi bands from “up North” that no-one, apart from some art students at Leeds Uni, had ever heard of in the 80’s, but nowadays everyone claims to have been “well into” Goth ;

Red Lorry Yellow Lorry, The March Violets, Play Dead, The Rose of Avalanche, Chameleons, The Three Johns, etc.

8.Modern European bands that copy note for note tunes by TSOM and FOTN, dress like they were at Leeds uni in 1988 ( for added credibility/naffness named after a “Classic” song) goth;

Love Like Blood, Garden of Delight, The House of Usher, The Merry Thoughts, Funhouse, Merciful Nuns.

9. If there is a bit of a goth revival we’ll say we were always goth as long as we can sell some of our back catalogue on the strength of it being goth;

The Mission, The Cult.

10.We were always a rock band at heart goth;

The Cult, The Sisters of Mercy. Deciding to try to break America by attempting to sound exactly like a million other American bands was probably not the wisest of moves, credibility speaking.

11.Embarassing 90’s revivalists dressed as vampires goth;

Too many to mention. In all likelihood if you attended a goth gig in the nineties, at least one band on the bill would have sounded like a poor Sisters of Mercy and would have looked like extras from an Anne Rice film set.

12.Trad Goth;

Officially doesn’t exist apart from Vendemmian of course.

13.Bands with birds with nice tits on vocals goth;

Skeletal Family, All About Eve, Curve, Danielle Dax. Nobody actually knows nor cares whether the music was any good or not, as long as the frontwoman gave you the horn.

14.Bands you went to see because you’re girlfriend/gay partner/wife fancied the singer goth;

Gene Loves Jezebel, Love & Rockets, Flesh for Lulu. Nobody actually knows nor cares whether the music was any good or not, as long as the frontman looked good, apart from you, that is, who stood at the bar looking bored with all the other boyfriends/husbands/gay partners.

15.Post punk bands cited as inventing it and probably did whether they like it or not goth;

Bauhaus, Siouxsie and The Banshees, Magazine, Joy Division.

PART TWO NEXT WEEK (So don’t start going on that I’m biased, because everyone is gonna get it. I’m an equal opportunity pisstaker).

 

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