MACBERK GOES…APESHIT!

Lee’s got a problem and he’s not afraid to moan about it…

DISCLAIMER: The views expressed in our writers’ blogs are solely those of the author. Obviously.

Do you remember the time when you borrowed your mate’s copy of ‘Killers’ or ‘Don’t Break The Oath’? Or when you saw the names Slayer or Deicide on a tee worn by your mate’s older brother and were genuinely stunned? Or, more importantly, the first time you heard those first three notes in the opening riff of ‘Black Sabbath’ and you seriously shat yourself because you thought the Devil was actually going to come through the floor?  Do the younger metal generation even have that reminiscence anymore? I bet they don’t. How can they relive the moment of spending a tenner on a metal album because it had a kick-ass painting of a demon, fire and other cool satanic-looking shit on the cover when they can download a poor-quality, compressed file off the interweb for free?

Metal is no longer menacing! It’s the once-feared part of musical culture that has had its wings clipped by advances in modern technology, and its veil of alluring mystique unthreaded by the likes of little shits dwelling in a scene that focuses on shit clothes, quirky haircuts and idiot posturing. Now don’t get me wrong – despite the fact most of my friends and colleagues have me down as a flute-loving prog fairy/moody post-metal kinda guy – I love metal, and I’m not cynical about a band I heard before anyone else adding another uninspired music video to a video channel’s pay-to-play roster or appearing at a mainstream rock festival; it’s ultimately a good thing. It shows there is a demand for it (or that that band have created something catchier than syphilis) and either way, metal is getting out there and that’s good, right?

What is a shame is that metal just isn’t scary any more. It isn’t part of that romantic rebellion of teenage angst, greasy hair and underage drinking – it’s running close to being fronted in the mainstream by generically-tattooed poster gimps with shit hair and crap slang words. Now this isn’t an argument about whether Bring Me The Horizon (and other such acts, but I fancy shooting a sitting duck) are metal or not; this is me saying that bands like that have morphed metal into a namby-pamby, appearance-obsessed misrepresentation.

Even black metal is generally seen as much as a joke as power metal and collapsed under the weight of its chainmail and make-up. Someone needs to slaughter an animal on stage or burn something quick-time, because everything is becoming so stagnant, brimming with boring cut’n’paste interviews and shit photoshop promo shots that before we know it, metal will seem as daring as taking a piss with the cubical door unlocked. I’ve made my opinions quite clear about Watain (second-rate Dissection late-comers) and Ghost (bewitching yet largely boring and overhyped King Diamond worshippers), but at least they’re trying to reignite a flame of nostalgia by making you think twice about whether they’re for real or not. Despite the ridiculousness of it all, at least they’re trying to keep up an act and air of magic. Fair play!

I’m going to listen to Electric Wizard now, not only because they really play with the occult and smoke fragments of kitten skulls, but more importantly, they’re bollock-droppingly heavy!  

DISCLAIMER 2: Electric Wizard don’t play with the occult and your bollocks won’t literally drop off when listening to them.